Happy New Year From Possum S. Hemmingway

There has currently been a stir throughout America about a You Tube video entitled "Barack the Magic Negro", a political satire ostensibly using the imitated voice of Al "Podium Al" Sharpton and sung to the tune of Peter, Paul and Mary's "Puff the Magic Dragon." The debate is if this, in fact, is political satire, racism or just insensitive in nature.

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count or blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible. But, enough about O.J. Simpson.

I, too, have spent a lot of sleepless nights (and days, I'm a cat, you know) worrying about Barack Obama and "Podium Al" Sharpton's sensitivity. I have recently been the target of racism myself. I received the following words via email entitled "How To Wash A Cat" and I am not a happy camper.....

1. Put both lids of the toilet up add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8.. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

This is obvious racism to the "nth" degree and should not be tolerated. Many of my canine colleagues have concurred with my assessment of this and have vowed to stand behind me.

Best wishes for a safe and Happy New Year and......

Stray Tuned !

A Christmas Wish From My Canine Pals

After speaking to several of my puppy pals, I have made a list of their, you'll excuse the expression, pet peeves. Personally, I don't have any of their particular problems, but then again, I'm a cat. So, I owe one to my canine pals and here's their list.

1. Why do you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping?

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. By the way, your friend knows it's you.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?).

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous because I can and you can't.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? That also goes for all the stupid outfits you buy me when you could be buying me doggie treats.


11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home. Another waste of time and money.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.


14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.


15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

Well, that's my Christmas present to the Canine world and I'll be looking under the Christmas tree for a couple of kilos of catnip.

My Christmas wish for all of my readers is peace and tranquility. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.

Possum

Stray Tuned !

Just Say No !

As a public service to my loyal readers, I would like to address an important subject that has ofttimes been overlooked by the public. The issue is catnip, yes, catnip! You see it in the pet shops and stores, packaged neatly and disguised in so many seemingly harmless ways. Yet this drug (and it is a drug) affects the lives of many felines all over America. Many underaged cats and kittens often acquire catnip without ever being checked for identification. This leads to behavior that is not becoming of any animal, especially a cat.

Humans use this trickery to amuse themselves while the disgustingly drunken cat does things that even the lowly canine would not do. Sure, they say it is a harmless recreational drug much akin to the marijuana that many two legged species occasionally partake, but it leads to brash acts of stupidity and carelessness. In the case of the feline pictured here, after ingesting catnip, he becomes positive that he works at toll booth on the freeway.

Take the case of a female feline friend who indulged in catnip. She went outside for a walk and spotted a half-empty can of tuna. Obviously suffering from the munchies, she buried her head in the tuna can, was attacked from behind and now has a litter of kittens to remind her of the use of catnip. To add insult to injury and judging from the stripes on the kitten's backs, the offender was probably a democrat.

In another incident of catnip abuse, a cat was spotted with a known outlaw biker. Both were observed flagrantly flaunting their disdain for ordinary law-abiding citizens in a drunken display of reckless behavior (although they did wear safety helmets).

It is incidents like these that truly expose the danger of catnip abuse and can affect the normally elegant behavior of the feline. I urge you to think carefully before you encourage your cat to "turn on". I will therefore volunteer to accept any catnip contraband that you may encounter and will dispose of these drugs properly.

Well it's December and time for me to watch Jimmy start searching all over the house for body parts that he misplaced while partying. He already started with the long Thanksgiving weekend but he started running out of gas sometime Friday and wimped out of the usual weekend parties. As long as he brings home a kitty bag, I'll be happy. I call it a kitty bag 'cause I wouldn't eat out of a doggie bag and I definitely don't gnaw stupid, meatless bones.

I'll be trying to keep you up to date with Jimmy's adventures in AREA 51 especially the parts he doesn't tell you. I think that there will be some funny stuff to report if last year's holiday season is any indication, but that's just me.

Stray Tuned !

Remember The Vets - Except The One That Neutered Me !

My normal definition of the word "Vet" has a special stigma attached to it. My first encounter with a "Vet" resulted in having a needle stuck into me under the guise of "medicine", having a probe inserted into my south end as I was heading north under the guise of a word referred to as "temperature" and then quietly watching the room grow dim. When I awoke, there were parts of my anatomy that were no longer attached and I sang in a much higher tone than in the past.

Although my first encounter with a "Vet" was a traumatic experience, I have since learned that there is another kind of "Vet' that is much more honorable. I refer to the men and women of the armed forces who have fought and defended out freedom since America became a nation. I might also add that there have been many faithful animals wha have also been a big part of America's defense.

Today is Veterans Day and there's no better time than right now to take the time to reflect and praise the men and women who have defended and will continue to defend and serve this great nation.You can also read a tribute to Veterans on Jimmy's Journal - TheOriginal by clicking the link below. http://jimmysjournal-theoriginal.blogspot.com/

Stray Tuned !

Remembering Cheeta

With all the non-furry skinned creatures campaigning, insulting, screaming and kicking about their precious elections, I would like to stop and remember Cheeta, a great animal star who co-starred in the Tarzan movies of the 1930 and 40s. Cheeta, 76 years old, is retired and lives in Palm Springs, California with his animal trainer Dan Westfall. I'm not sure how old he is in chimpanzee years, but I'm pretty sure the number would qualify as a shitload.

Like any human at the age of 76, Cheeta passes his days like many other retirees. He sleeps late. He watches television. He paints. He listens to lite-FM radio. A big day involves making a trip to McDonald's drive-thru and getting a burger, french fries, and a Diet Coke.

As I am only five-years-old, I never watched any Tarzan movies, but my pet, Jimmy, did and he has filled me in on Cheeta's mischievous antics playing second-banana to Tarzan (Olympic swimming champion turned actor, Johnny Weissmuller) and Jane (Maureen O'Sullivan). Cheeta's later credits include the 1951 comedy Bedtime for Bonzo, costarring Ronald Reagan, 1952's Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla.

Born in Liberia in 1932, Cheeta was brought to the United States and purchased by Westfall's uncle, Tom gentry. Originally named Jiggs, he made his first appearance on screen in the 1934 film Tarzan and His Mate, riding on the back of an older chimp who was then playing the role of Cheeta. Although the role of Cheeta was played by many chimpanzees, Jiggs is considered the premier of the group.

Cheeta used to be a bit of a carouser (like some people I know), drinking beer and smoking cigars. Since developing diabetes, he has toned down his intake to include soda pop, corn chips and peanut butter sandwiches.

Cheeta's agent has been trying for eight years to get Cheeta a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. With the likes of my heroes, Garfield, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and other animal stars having their own stars on the Hollywood Walk, I believe a Hollywood star for Cheeta is long overdue. I'd sure like to see him get a star before those yapping Beverly Hills Chihuahua's do, but that's just me!

Stray Tuned !

The Art Of Disguise

Much like the tactics used by my pet and benefactor, Jimmy, I often use the guile of disguise as a means to obtain things I desire. I watched in amusement as Jimmy, in a pathetic attempt to appear to be wearing a Halloween costume, casually left me alone for AREA 51, not only Friday night, but Saturday night as well.

The fortunate thing for me was that both nights, that charlatan managed to find food (good food, not Meow Mix) on his way home from his sojourn around the area. Additionally, he decided to "spread the wealth" and share it with me. I'm relatively sure that his friend and spiritual advisor, Johnny Walker Black, influenced his decision.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the gesture and did not give him any grief about leaving me behind and the tardiness of his return. I did, however, revel in glee as he constantly complained about his condition on Sunday. Hey! You wanna play? Ya gotta pay!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his cat could do even better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

I think I'll hang out with the Government Worker's cat. He seems to have his act down pat and is already benefiting from the spread the wealth issue, but that's just me.

Stray tuned !

Tagged? Nah, Dogs Get Tagged, Cats Get Titled !

My pal, Julie, gave me a task to do. It's something called tagged and it comes with a whole bunch or rules. Normally, I don't perform "tasks", I assign them to my pet, Jimmy, but since Julie's owner, Zoey (pictured), is a pal, I will complete some (but not all) of the assignment. The rules are as follows:

* link to the person who tagged you - Not sure how to do it but I'll try

* list 6 random things about yourself - Easy enough

* tag 6 new people - Nope

* let each tagged person know by posting a comment on their blog - Ok

* link to the 6 people you've tagged - Nope

* let the person who tagged you know that you posted - Betcha wont say that to a shark!

Ok, here's the deal. Although I have waived my right to remain silent, anything written below is considered hearsay and is not enforceable in a court of law. Please stop by Julie's New Journal for the original rules and a fun read. Here's the link: http://juliasnewjournal.blogspot.com/

I started out as a kitten. Somewhere in my early weeks of life, I was lying there taking the occasional swig of milk from my mom and boom! Darkness.....! The next thing I know I'm behind a restaurant all by myself, in a dumpster. So I check it out. It's two lid job, and one lid's always open so, it ain't too bad as a temporary home. Whoever dumped me (no pun intended) at least left with me with a little shelter. Hey, and there's food in here, too! Later, at night, I got scared and started to cry. That's when Jimmy found me and adopted me. Hey, it ain't Vegas, but he's an ok guy!

I had an operation. I used to like to sing and as any cotton picking idiot knows....wait, I can't say that any more... it's not politically correct, especially nowadays... sorry, democrats. As I was saying I always liked to sing and as you know, it's best to sing underneath someone's window at say, two or three in the morning.

Well, the next thing I know, we're in Jimmy's car and we're going somewhere. Jimmy said we were going to the zoo but that wasn't true. I met a nice man in a white coat, he gave me some medicine and I went to sleep. When I woke up and tried to sing, my voice was much higher. Jimmy tries to sing too and if you want to hear him, there's a link on my sidebar to his My Space Karaoke site. He'd better get all that singing out of his system soon, cause you never know , one day, he too, might meet the nice man in the white coat.

I have some cool pals and they have pets as well. Zoey's pet is named Julie. Sheeba (she's a he) has two pets named Bucko and Beth, Mr. Michael's pet is Krissy, Shanti's pet is Nancy and Gabi, who's real cute, owns Linda in rainy Washington. Pickles is a cool dog with special magic powers that help Indigo to hear. My favorite pal was Luke the Wonder dog. Luke's pet is Anne, but Luke got sick and passed away. I miss Luke a lot!

I have a lot more pals, but I can't name them all right now. Maybe one day, I'll just sit down and write about each and every one of them.

I have seven toes on each of my front paws. I don't know why, I just do. It's one thing to have paws that are a little different from other cats, but for some uncanny reason, mine have to be highlighted by white boots. It's sorta like having a zit with its own spotlight. Cats of my ilk are referred to as Hemmingways, after the well known author, who had six and seven toed cats as well. Over 100 descendants of Hemmingway cats still live in Key west.

So, Jimmy named me Possum 'cause he says I have the look of an Opossum (He dropped the "O" because he didn't want me to be in the "O" category, if you get my drift...Opossum.. Obama.. Ohellno). The "Hemmingway" moniker is now obvious, which leads us to the middle initial "S". You'd think it might be short for Stanley or Stuart or even like Harry S. Truman, whose "S" stood for nothing, Nope, It's short for Shithead! Yep! Clever, isn't he? It could be worse, I guess, he used to call me Numbnuts until my operation.

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

I am far more intelligent than my pet, Jimmy knows. He works, I don't. He buys groceries, I eat them. He cleans our house, I watch. He goes out, I go to sleep. He has girlfriends come and visit. I sit in their laps and they pet me (and then I watch). It's a rough life, but I manage.

Stray Tuned !

The Geenyus Of It All

Some genius finally figured out a small but very important item in making comments on fellow journalists' blogs. As my pal, Bucko a.k.a. Ken, aptly pleaded, "please turn off word verification for comments." When one is following many journals (I hate the word blog), it is just another hurdle to jump while, ahem, making rounds.

Some people have taken heed of Ken's advice, while others have not. Understandably, some fear untoward or unkind comments and I have no particular peeve with that. I do, however, dislike words that I cannot pronounce. It may not make sense to you now, but it will when you finish reading today's entry.

When I comment, I look at the "secret word" which is necessary to type into the stupid little space, so that I can publish my comment. Therein lies the problem! When I read the "secret word," usually "sjcdufenvnm" or "sx98j3fucb," I have to take my eyes off the screen and watch my seven-toed paw attempt to type the "secret word" in. Inevitably, because I can't pronounce it, I usually do it wrong.

In that case, I have to return to the stupid screen, re-read the stupid, "#$*&ing word" and try again. It makes the fur on the back of my neck stand straight up.

Today, as I was making my "rounds," I noticed that the "secret word" codes have been changed so that now, they can be pronounced. So now, in lieu of "wxcvrpd," you get, "lechum" or "glugpo" or "ziptex," which may not be words, but I can pronounce them. And if I can pronounce the damned "secret word," I can type it!

Then, a yellow duck drops down and I win $100, right Groucho?

Somebody must have had fun last night 'cause someone woke up in his recliner this morning. I won't tell you his name, but his initials are J.i.m.m.y.

My hat's off to Beth, author of Nutwood Junction. who has taught me (and others) how to underline my words and place a page break for paragraphs. Salute !

And for my pal Rose....

Two elderly men were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" Fred replied, "Great, they taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." His friend said, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" His friend said, "You mean a rose?"

Fred said, "Yes, that's it!" He turned and yelled to his wife. . ."Hey, Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

I think everyone has a photographic memory, its just that some don't have film. But, that's just me !

Stray Tuned !

Proverbs - Kitty Style

Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." -- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." -- Ellen Perry Berkeley

and

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." -- Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"

"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."

"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".

Stray Tuned !

Who In The Hell Is Joe The Plumber And Why Doesn't He Pump The Bullshit Out Of The Presidential Political Toilet?

The presidential candidate names, Barrack Hussein Obama and John McCain, spew from the mouths of the biased media so often that I get the urge to stick a sharp pencil in my ear. Now, the children have learned new words.... "ACORN" and "Joe the plumber." Ok, I can understand the constantly used "ACORN" since it's being investigated in thirteen states for fraudulent voter registrations, but now I've got to listen to "Joe the plumber."

The media today were all over this phrase on every channel imaginable and the hypocrisy of it all makes me crazy. Since I don't like waiting until 5:00 every day for the "legitimate" news, I listen to cable news to keep up with the daily events. I usually switch back and forth between Obama's political whore, CNN, or McCain's political whore, FOX News.

The main topic today (other than hyping their individual candidate) was the frequency of the use of the phrase "Joe the plumber" in last night's presidential debate. Depending on which channel you watched today, the count was between 24 and 26 times. The hypocrisy of it all is that the cable news channels did the same thing, repeating "Joe the plumber" so many times that their total use of the phrase far exceeded the use by the two candidates.

So, not to be outdone by the likes of the so called cable "news" programs, I decided that I, too, can be just as hypocritical and repeat the phrase "Joe the plumber" just one more time. As a side note, you can bet your sweet ass that neither Obama nor McCain give a damn about "Joe the plumber." I think that it is basically the same as kissing the proverbial baby in the crowd for a photo-op, except in Joe's case, his occupation allows for swift clean-up of the political sewage that comes from the mouths of Obama and McCain, but, that's just me!

Stray Tuned !

Casey Anthony Is Finally Indicted For the Murder Of Her Daughter Caylee !

A Florida grand jury in Orlando finally indicted Casey Anthony on first degree murder charges. She is accused of the murder of her daughter, Caylee, whose body has yet to be found. Caylee has been missing since June and her mother did not report her missing until one month later. Anthony had been previously charged with child neglect, lying to investigators and additional fraud and theft counts.

Police believe that Caylee is probably dead. Anthony told police she left Caylee with a sitter named Zenaida Gonzalez on June 9, but when she went to pick up her daughter, both were the woman and the child were gone. Instead of calling police, Casey said she launched her own probe. Caylee was 2 when she disappeared. August 9th would have been her third birthday.

Police had already determined that the smell of human decomposition had been found inside of the trunk of Anthony's car and strands of hair found inside the trunk matched Caylee's hair. Traces of chloroform, a drug used to induce sleep, was also found in the trunk of the car.

The real surprise to me is the fact that with all the evidence pointing strongly towards the concept that Casey Anthony murdered her daughter Caylee, it has taken authorities since June to indict her on murder charges.

And

Lately, it seems that every time a crime or wrong-doing happens, it takes forever to bring the organization or persons committing the act to be brought to justice or charged, for that matter. Personally, I'm getting sick and tired of taking slow and painful steps to be politically correct or resolve a crime but, that's just me.

And

Stray Tuned !

The Congress

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman. "

And so it goes.....But, that's just me.

Stray Tuned !

I Had A (Day) Dream

I had a daydream today that in a special National Referendum, the following decisions were approved by United States citizens:

1) The office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of November 1, 2008. The current presidential candidates will also be outsourced to India. The moves will save the President's $500,000 yearly salary which will be used to reduce the national debt. Mr. Bush, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain will be notified by e-mail of this termination. Preparations for the job move will be started immediately.

2) Gurvinder Singh of AOL India will assume the office of President as of January 1, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

3) Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. This is inspite of his handling of the AOL Journal Community. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the 7-11," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

4) A Congressional spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh was not fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President. This should not be a problem, as President Bush, Barack Obama and John McCain are not familiar with the issues either.

5) Plans will be made for outsourcing the Senate and the House of Representatives. This will seriously affect staffing efficiency at AOL India. The saving of hundreds of millions of dollars now spent annually on campaign financing will be used to reduce the national deficit.

6) Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush, Barack Obama and John McCain have used them successfully for years."

7) Bush, Obama and McCain will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until their final days of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, they will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. They may have difficulties in securing a new positions due to limited practical or successful work experience. Greeter positions at Wal-Mart were suggested due to their extensive experience shaking hands, as well as their special smiles.

8) Congressional positions will revert to entry level postal workers or on-call street activists. If nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.

After listening to Beavis and Butthead last night, I thought this would be a much better plan, but that's just me.

Stray Tuned !

What's In A Name?

I have issues with some of the names that are being selected for babies today. It seems that too many parents have either not considered the future ramifications of these names or, more likely, have a combined I.Q. of 60.

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Some names come purely from the parents' inabilty to spell correctly, thus names like Antwan (for Antoine) abound. Names like Shalika, Sasquatchia, Plaxico, Lexus, Xerox, Tayshaun, JaMarkus, Da'quarius, Tavonda and Jaleel come from some of the more inventive minds. Twins Orangelo and Lemongelo (read orange jello and lemon jello) stem from the parents inability to come up with a "cool" name and the local Winn-Dixie helped them solve their problem.

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Even some super stars have come up with some real winners, but I suspect that money breeds money and names like Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Ever (Milla Jovovich), Story (Jenna Elfman), and Prince Michael I and II (Michael Jackson)will not seriously harm the children, with the exception of Michael Jackson, who is a traumatic experience in and of himself.

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I am unsure where the traditional boys' names such as Michael, James, Daniel, and Mark, along with traditional girls' names such as Ruth, Mary, Anne and Linda became out of favor. Moreover, what ever happened to traditional names like Willie Lee, Johnny Lee, Bobby Lee, Roosevelt, Franklin and Tyrone?

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Then again, what idiot would stick his handsome, faithful and loving cat with the nickname of Shithead? But, that's just me.

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Stray Tuned !

Having Problems With Paragraph Spacing? I Can Fix That !

The moon, like a testicle, hangs low over a certain Orange Juice Simpson and as my pal, Garnett, says, "The inmates will soon be having O.J. for breakfast." I knew that sooner or later, O. J. would screw up and sure enough, he did! Congratulations O.J. !

Are you having problems with paragraph spacing? Blogspot has it's own unique good points but pictures and publishing are not two of its brightest. Sometimes my paragraphs are spaced and sometimes they're not. Usually, I just assume it's me, bit I've seen too many complaints from other journalists (I can't get used to being called a "blogger"). If this happens to you, I'll show you how to fix it. It ain't pretty, but "It voiks."

When you write a paragraph, you normally hit return and a new paragraph begins, right? Not always, Blogger breath, not always. Sometimes Blogspot, in its infinite wisdom, just won't play right. Here's what you do.
Add
Insert a word (I use add) in the background color that you use in your journal. In my case it would be in black, but I'm using red to show this example. When you then publish, it will appear that you know exactly what you're doing. Now, we both know that you don't, but I won't tell if you don't.

Did you know that when eagles have sex, they do it in mid-air? I've done it on top of a fence before, but then again, I have claws. But mid-air? They fly up to a high altitude, connect and the engage in sex. They do not uncouple until the act is complete.

Eagle are so committed to each other that they sometimes plummet hundreds of feet to their death. Now if I was an eagle, engaged in sex thousands of feet in the air and plummeting at high speed to a certain death, at a certain point in time, I think I'd fake it. But, that's just me.

Stray Tuned !

I Got Up Eary Today

The good things about being of the feline persuasion is that there are no alarm clocks, plenty of good places to curl up for a nap, and, of course, my owner and faithful servant, Jimmy.

As a former Texas hold-em dealer in Las Vegas, I assure you that you always play a good hand and fold a bad one. In my case, I've been dealt an ace in the hole and I play it to the limits.

Take today, for example. There was Jimmy, sleeping his life away at 5:30 this morning and I was up and ready for my breakfast. I gave him my best meow, which is roughly translated to "ahem." Do you think he got up? Noooooo !

So, the next step in the cat manual for training owners is to jump on the bed and lick his face. He woke up and man, was he pissed! By the time he got up mumbling, went to his litter box and then came to the kitchen to feed me, he was fine.

I ate my breakfast, returned to my kitty bed and went to sleep. For some reason, Jimmy stayed up saying some thing about a damned cat and that he couldn't go back to sleep. I looked around the house for the aforementioned "damned cat" and I didn't see one. I suppose the son-of-a-bitch left.

Well, that's all for now.

Stray tuned !

This Is Becoming Interesting

I've found that sometimes a whole new world awaits you if you take that one more step or one more mouse (mmmm, tasty) click. Witness the new Genesis of journals springing up anew, left and right.

It's sort of like when Jimmy leaves the door open for a second longer than he had planned, I dash outside to re-explore the world, breathing the fresh air and looking for adventure. Of course, the dumb-ass always has to spoil it by saying some really bad things about me.

Nevertheless, I get a glimpse of the outside world for a moment or two and quite frankly, I really don't like the fact that there's no air-conditioning out there.

I may end up telling you more about my life as things progress, assuming I can get the "Massuh" to allow me to put my two cents-worth in. I'll keep in touch.

Stray Tuned !

Dad Moved Here And So Did I !

Ok, Jimmy came here and I have no choice but to follow since he wont't buy me my own computer. That's ok, though, it's just tough trying to type with seven toes on each paw. What the hell, I'll live.

I won't be posting as often as my dad, but you'll hear from me!

Stray Tuned !