Happy New Year from Possum S. Hemmingway

Happy New Year to all my pals and readers. Today's entry is a simple way to choose a human to live with. I say this with the deepest respect for you-know-who but I was young and in love.

Human beings are large, clumsy animals with extremely poor night vision that make a lot of noise. However, they live in weather-proof homes and are easily trained.

Choosing Your Human: Humans don't realize this, but we choose which humans to live with and which ones to avoid. Avoid humans who start sneezing when we get close. They are allergic to us. Also avoid ones that try and kick us. A good human will bend down and reach out to scratch an ear and start saying something stupid like "nice kitty kitty." The trick is to get inside the human's home to see if they have a suitable environment for one of our superior species.

Getting Carried Around: While walking to one's destination is preferable, it is nevertheless fun to be picked up and carried around by a human, because this provides a much loftier view of things. Female humans are more likely to pick you up. They will try and scratch your belly, so arch your back and they will reach under you. For some reason, most humans instinctively pick us up at that point.

Getting Fed On Time: Humans are somewhat erratic in their eating habits, but this must not be allowed to conflict with our getting fed exactly on time every day. Pick a time, usually at 5 in the morning, and insist on being fed. Vocalize your hunger, and if necessary, wake the human up. Initially, the human will throw you outside, thinking you've received a call from nature. But in a week or two they will catch on and get the food out on time.

Getting The Right Food: Unfortunately modern humans are inept at hunting, thus they purchase all their food. Generally, they buy things in cans, bags or boxes to feed us. They should eat this stuff. The appropriate training regime is to walk up to the bowl of this awful processed food, sniff at it, walk around the bowl a few times and then decamp to your favorite perch for a nice little nap.

A few days of this, and the human begins to feel guilty about you starving. Eventually they will produce something moderately edible. If, by chance, something really good turns up, make sure you let the human know this is preferred to the dry crunchy stuff.

Napping Sites: Human dwellings are just full of nice little places to nap, such as window sills, the tops of dressers, inside closets, under couches, whatever. Many of these places, however, will initially be places the human thinks they have control over. You must disabuse them of this territoriality as soon as possible.

Typically, if the human finds you in a place they think is theirs, they will grab you and toss you. An exciting moment of flying through the air. Go back. After a while the human will mutter "stupid kitty," and leave you alone.

Other Cats: Some humans are excessively fond of our companionship and thus attempt to bring more than one of us into their home. Remember, first one inside is king (or queen). Humans don't like the sound of our displeasure being voiced at an intruder, but they will rarely do anything about it. It is nice to have a few companions around, provided the human increases the food supply.

The Litter Box: Most humans are fairly conscientious about cleaning out the litter box with adequate frequency. However, some humans will accidentally lock us in a room, or forget to clean the litter box often enough. We all know what we do to the human on that occasion, don't we.

Gifts: Humans don't think they are animals, so they don't understand gifts. Don't bother. Keep the mouse for yourself.

Expressing Affection: The deal is we get a free place to live that is dry and warm, and adequate food, in exchange for once in a while recognizing the human exists and letting it touch us. Humans like to hear us purr, because they think that is our way of saying we're happy. They have no idea. Don't get too stand-off-ish as the human will not understand, and become anxious. A calm human is a reliable human when it comes to dinner.

Naming: Humans immediately give us stupid little names. If you don't like the name, act deaf. Once they pick a name you like, then respond. If the human is really nice to you, and understands our language, then tell them your true name.

Conclusion: Humans are much easier to train, than, for example, their stupid dogs.

My Pictures "Gimme a bite!"

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."   The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl began, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, "That must've been scary." The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

That's it for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

Merry Christmas from Possum

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all my pals. You-know-who came home at 4 am this morning. The good part was that someone gave him a big bag of people food and he gave me a lot!

Just between you and me, I think he was drinking alcoholic beverages because he kissed me right on my nose. Yechh ! What a cat has to put up with to get some roasted pork.

My Pictures What a family.......

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay and he starts feeling the rabbit.

The snake says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, two long ears and big back feet..." The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"

Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..." The snake says, "Oh crap, I'm a lawyer!"

"See, I know you told me not to play in the mud puddle, and I wasn't playing in the mud puddle, but what happened was......"

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife and says, "Jen, is the cat there?" His wife answers. "Yes. Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

That's it for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

Happy Thanksgiving From Possum S. Hemmingway

Far be it from me not celebrate Thanksgiving with my feline family and friends. It's been years since I left the litter and ventured out on my own. But, I have fond memories of Mom and I do appreciate the fact that the reason I exist is because of that time when Mom was eating out of a tuna can and let her guard down. Thanks for stopping by Pop, wherever you are.

Along the way, I adopted a human friend and we've been pals ever since. I know I've spoiled him somewhat but old what's-his-name takes pretty good care of me as well. Fortunately, when things sometimes get out of hand, I can email my pal Linda in Washinton State and she can voice my complaints.

Nevertheless. life is good and for that same reason, I'd like to wish all of my readers, family and friends a Happy Thanksgiving. Take the time today to say "I love you" to those that are near to you and remember your animal friends, as well.

On a similar note I have checked with all of the etiquette sites on the Internet and it is considered proper to slip your animal friends a little piece of turkey under the table during this time of the year. My veterinarian friends also are in agreement that this is not harmful.

That's it for now. More soon.

Stray Tuned ! 

Happy Mother's Day !

Happy Mother's Day to all of the beautiful and hard working Moms who so diligently attend to the daily crises of their offspring and are only recognized once a year. Truly, at the start of each and every day, everyone should say a prayer of thanks for all of the wonderful mothers who care for the children 24 hours a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year.

What's his name's birthday was Friday and he had a great time. I have been reading some of his Facebook posts and I can't wait to hear his version of his birthday escapades. All I know is that he was dancing and singing karaoke here at the house at 6:00 the next morning. Uh...I like to party too, but once the paperboy has left the morning paper and the sun is rising, some people should go to sleep. Sheesh! I thought they would never go to sleep!

I don't know when my birthday is because someone took me from my mother and put me in a dumpster. You-know-who found me there and took me in. Thankfully, whoever dumped me chose a dumpster next to AREA 51 or I'd probably now be living at the dump. So, since I don't know my birthday, I chose what's-his-name birthday for my birthday as well. It's easier for both of us to remember.

My Pictures I found a few Mother's day pictures from the animal world so I thought I'd share them with you.

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife and says "Jen, is the cat there?" His wife answered, "Yes, Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Three feral cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bred Siamese." The third cat said still said nothing.

Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in a tuna can at the time."

A woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. One Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time."

She dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is some lettuce, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! Her husband says, "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage."

That night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. One girl said, "You're going to kill him", but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He was licking his ass in the middle of the street and a dump truck ran over him."

That's it for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

The Story Of Buddy The German Shepherd

A German Shepard named "Buddy" lives in Caswell Lakes, Alaska, with his best friend, a 23-year-old human named Ben Heinrichs and Ben’s parents. On April 4, Ben was working in a workshop in a shed when a heater touched off a fire in the shop. Ben suffered flash burns on his face, slammed the door to confine the flames and rolled in the snow to extinguish the flames on his clothing. Realizing that Buddy was still inside, Ben went back in to rescue Buddy. When he got Buddy outside, he told Buddy, "We need help."

That’s pretty much what TV's Timmy used to say to Lassie and, like the star collie, Buddy took the advice to heart and took off running. Buddy dashed off and down the road, looking for someone to help.

Meanwhile, neighbors has seen the fireball erupting on the Heinrichs' property and called the state police. Trooper Terrence Shanigan was dispatched to check it out, but his GPS froze up on him, and he was semi-lost in the twisting rural roads and about to take a turn in the wrong direction when he saw a dog in the road. The dog was our hero, Buddy.

When Buddy saw the trooper’s car, he turned and started running back home.Shanigan’s dashcam caught it all. A German shepherd takes off running down partially snow-covered roads, but keeps looking over his shoulder to make sure the car is keeping up.

Buddy sprints along for about a minute in a black-and-white landscape, the only things visible being what is illuminated by the police car’s lights. Finally, the dog takes one last turn. As Shanigan turns with the dog, his windshield lights up with a bright yellow ball of fire that used to be the Heinrichs’ work shed.

When Shanigan got out of his car, Buddy jumped up and made sure the trooper continued to the house. Then, according to the newspaper, Buddy retreated into the woods, seeing that his work as done. Shanigan was able to guide fire trucks to the scene, in time for firefighters to save the Heinrich’s home. The workshop was a total loss.

Here's the first of two videos about Buddy the German Shepherd. Remember to turn off the music from my playlist located on the left sidebar.

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

My Pictures: Buddy is a hero and it's important to point out that he would say that humans are very dedicated friends and deserve the best care possible. Take the time to spend time with your humans and show them that you care for them.

Personally, if I had been in Buddy's paws, I'm not real sure that I would have dashed out into the freezing snow hoping that a car might pass by to help save his human. I would have grabbed the nearest phone and texted my pals down at the animal shelter with directions on how to find the place. What? You don't think I could? Who do you think is typing this entry today? Certainly not "what's-his-name." He never gets up this early.

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: A lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, "That must've been scary!" The little gorl replied, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff...Fffff...Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The irate man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try to play it."

That's it for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

Remember Your Family And Friends

An old man, his dog and his cat were walking along a road. He was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, with his cat and dog walking beside him. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a white stone wall along one side of the road. At the top of a long hill, a tall arch glowed in the sunlight. While standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the street that led to the gate was pure gold.

He and his pets walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a gatekeeper at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he said out, "Excuse me, where are we?" The gatekeeper answered, "This is Heaven, sir." The old man said, "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The gatekeeper said, "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The gatekeeper gestured and the gate began to open.

Gesturing toward his pets, the old man asked, "Can my friends come in, too?" The gatekeeper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his cat and dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a white haired man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

The old man said, "Excuse me! Do you have any water?'' The white haired man said, "Sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." The old man said, "How about my friends here?" The white haired man said, "Yes, there should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the cat and the dog. When they were full, he and his pets walked back toward the white haired man who was standing by the tree.

The old man said, "What do you call this place?" The white haired man said, "This is Heaven." The old man said, "Well, this is confusing. The man down the road said that was Heaven, too. The white haired man said, ''Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.''

The old man said, "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'' The white haired man replied, "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

My Pictures: Bonds sometimes form between friends and that bond is often tested, especially in difficult times. At the end of life's trail, power and wealth cannot compare to a lasting bond between good friends.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in !

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: My thanks to my pal Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

A rabbit broke out of the tobacco testing laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. The rabbit thought, "Wow, this is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

The rabbit called out, "Hey, I'm a rabbit from the tobacco testing laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" The rabbits called back, "Yes, come and join us," The rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. The rabbit said, "What else do you wild rabbits do?" Another rabbit said, "You see that field there? It's got carrots and lettuce growing in it. We dig up carrots and eat them and nibble on the lettuce too." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots and lettuce. They were wonderful.

Later, the rabbit asked, "Is there anything else you guys do?" One of the male rabbits came a bit closer. Pointing to the far corner of the field, he said, "You see those rabbits there? They're girl rabbits and we have sex with them. Go and try it."

Well, the rabbit found a willing female and spent the rest of the morning with her until, completely exhausted, he said to the female rabbit, "That was fantastic!" The female said, "So are you going to live with us?" The rabbit said, "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I need to go back to the tobacco testing laboratory." The female said, "Why? I thought you liked it here." The rabbit said, "I do, but I'm dying for a cigarette."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet. I think you must be a rabbit" The rabbit says, "I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"

Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, slimy all over, and you have no balls" The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

That's it for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!