Sunday, January 31, 2010

Remember Your Family And Friends

An old man, his dog and his cat were walking along a road. He was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, with his cat and dog walking beside him. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a white stone wall along one side of the road. At the top of a long hill, a tall arch glowed in the sunlight. While standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the street that led to the gate was pure gold.

He and his pets walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a gatekeeper at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he said out, "Excuse me, where are we?" The gatekeeper answered, "This is Heaven, sir." The old man said, "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The gatekeeper said, "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The gatekeeper gestured and the gate began to open.

Gesturing toward his pets, the old man asked, "Can my friends come in, too?" The gatekeeper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his cat and dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a white haired man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

The old man said, "Excuse me! Do you have any water?'' The white haired man said, "Sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." The old man said, "How about my friends here?" The white haired man said, "Yes, there should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the cat and the dog. When they were full, he and his pets walked back toward the white haired man who was standing by the tree.

The old man said, "What do you call this place?" The white haired man said, "This is Heaven." The old man said, "Well, this is confusing. The man down the road said that was Heaven, too. The white haired man said, ''Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.''

The old man said, "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'' The white haired man replied, "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

My Pictures: Bonds sometimes form between friends and that bond is often tested, especially in difficult times. At the end of life's trail, power and wealth cannot compare to a lasting bond between good friends.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in !

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: My thanks to my pal Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

A rabbit broke out of the tobacco testing laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. The rabbit thought, "Wow, this is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

The rabbit called out, "Hey, I'm a rabbit from the tobacco testing laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" The rabbits called back, "Yes, come and join us," The rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. The rabbit said, "What else do you wild rabbits do?" Another rabbit said, "You see that field there? It's got carrots and lettuce growing in it. We dig up carrots and eat them and nibble on the lettuce too." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots and lettuce. They were wonderful.

Later, the rabbit asked, "Is there anything else you guys do?" One of the male rabbits came a bit closer. Pointing to the far corner of the field, he said, "You see those rabbits there? They're girl rabbits and we have sex with them. Go and try it."

Well, the rabbit found a willing female and spent the rest of the morning with her until, completely exhausted, he said to the female rabbit, "That was fantastic!" The female said, "So are you going to live with us?" The rabbit said, "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I need to go back to the tobacco testing laboratory." The female said, "Why? I thought you liked it here." The rabbit said, "I do, but I'm dying for a cigarette."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet. I think you must be a rabbit" The rabbit says, "I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"

Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, slimy all over, and you have no balls" The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

That's it for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Welcome 2010 - Happy New Year !

Happy New Year to all my friends and readers! I'm ready for 2010 and if I can get you-know-who's ass out of bed, I'm sure he'll be ready too. I hope he's just sleeping and not in a coma 'cause I don't have much cat food in my dish. The dry cat food is stored too high to open and I really have problems using the can opener to open the canned food.

For all my two legged pals, I hope you had fun at your New Year's Eve parties last night. To those of you who have hangovers, my advice is to take a couple of aspirins, drink a lot of water and only eat wet cat food to rehydrate. Ok, you can skip the wet cat food if you like, but when I'm hungover, that's my only food option.

It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.

New Year's Eve parties sure are noisy. I heard all kinds of noises and explosions last night and there was some tipsy Cuban woman who kept calling out for Jesus. I don't know if she was looking her boyfriend or salvation.

What's-his-name must have been in pretty fair shape when he got home last night because he fed me. He always feeds me when he gets home but if he's been drinking with that Johhnie Walker Black guy, he always hugs and squeezes the shit out of me first and then feeds me.

I'm not real sure what time he got home last night because my watch is broken. It doesn't really matter that much because with seven toes on each front paw, I can't wind the damned thing anyway. The only thing that got my dander up is that his stupid cell phone rang all night. Once he gets in bed, he goes into a coma and it takes an explosion (or sharp claws) to wake him up.

Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.

My Pictures 2010 is the Year Of The Tiger according to the Chinese Zodiac. That's a bit eery as I thought 2009 was the year of the Tiger. I guess it's just in the semantics, but, then again, the Chinese may really have their hands on the pulse. It really would have sent a chill up your spine if Tiger Woods could have hidden his harem until this year. Either way, I've added some "Tiger" pictures for your amusement and commentary.

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:

Deep in the back woods of Kentucky, a farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. The doctor said, "Wait, don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming". Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered the second child, a baby girl.

The doctor said, "Hold that lantern up and don't set it down, I think there may be another one!" The farmer scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Bubba shows up at the bar all out of breath so Billy Ray asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba says, "I've been running from the cops, but I finally lost them." Billy Ray then asked, "What the hell did you do?" Bubba replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"

Billy Ray says, "That's not against the law," Bubba says, "Thats what I thought too but those guys at Home Depot sure must have thought it was"

A salesman from New York was driving through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he goes up and knocks on the door and asks, "Anybody home?"

A kid's voice through the door answered, "Yep." The salesman asks, "Is your father there?" The kid says, "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in." The salesman asks, "Well, is your mother here?" The kid relies, "No, she left afore I got here."

The salesman says, "Aren't you ever together as a family?" The kid says, "Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"

That's it for now, kittens. Happy New Year and a prosperous 2010. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!