Happy Saint Valentine's Day !

A Tail Of Revenge And Love Stories

Normally, I reserve Possum's Journal for my animal buddies, but I read a story about the plight of a musician whose guitars were damaged by United Airlines. Since You-Know-Who is a singer and musician (moi aussi), I'm grabbing the flag and leading this parade. Actually, I don't why I'm lauding What's-His-Name's musical abilities. The last time he was singing and recording one of his songs, I joined in him and he got all bent out of shape. Sheesh!

Whats-His-Name is in a peaceful coma in his recliner right now, so I thought I'd bring the following story to light,

A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United Airlines. United damaged his treasured Taylor guitar ($3500) during a flight. Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damages caused by baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar. During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video for YouTube exposing their lack of cooperation. The Manager responded: "Good luck with that one, pal."

So he posted a retaliatory video on YouTube. The video has since received over 5.5 million hits. United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange for pulling the video. Naturally, his response was: "Good luck with that one, pal."

Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation for the product recognition from the video that has lead to a sharp increase in orders.

Note: Please mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

In other news, Here's a story that my pal Vivian sent me and being a hopeless romantic, I thought I'd share this heartwarming love story with you. If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one..... An incredible story of luck and inspiration!

This is incredible! Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last week and then, all of a sudden, he finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck!

Stories like this just friggin' make me want to cry. Ain't love beautiful?

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer!

My Pictures Wild and crazy are the only words come to mind, but that's just me. I get so giddy when You-Know-Who takes a nap and I can get on the computer that my photos are really an expression of my state of mind.

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: A big shoutout to my pals Victor and Vivian for their contributions to today's stories.

A guy has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained. The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?" The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle. The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. The guy says, "Wow, what kind of dog is that?" The trainer replies, "That's a dog I trained for a nurse."

He blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room, takes the bones and makes a dog house. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" The trainer says, "That's a dog I trained for an architect."

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. The dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away. The guy says, "What kind of dog is that?" The attorney said, "He's still in training. That's a lawyer's dog!"

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast !

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, little Rose Sisti gave her example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher said, "Very good, Rose."

Next, little Linda Shook said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.." The teacher said again, "Very good, Linda."

Next it was little Johnny Garnett's turn to tell his story. Little Johnny said, "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Julie. She was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."The teacher, intrigued, said, "Go on, Johnny..."

Little Johhny said, "Aunt Julie drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

The horrified teacher said, "Good heavens, what did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" Little Johnny said, "Stay the hell away from Aunt Julie when she's been drinking....."

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. This is true, and they have many other fine qualities as well...

That's Possum's Journal for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

Remember Your Family And Friends

An old man, his dog and his cat were walking along a road. He was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, with his cat and dog walking beside him. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a white stone wall along one side of the road. At the top of a long hill, a tall arch glowed in the sunlight. While standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the street that led to the gate was pure gold.

He and his pets walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a gatekeeper at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he said out, "Excuse me, where are we?" The gatekeeper answered, "This is Heaven, sir." The old man said, "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The gatekeeper said, "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The gatekeeper gestured and the gate began to open.

Gesturing toward his pets, the old man asked, "Can my friends come in, too?" The gatekeeper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his cat and dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a white haired man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

The old man said, "Excuse me! Do you have any water?'' The white haired man said, "Sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." The old man said, "How about my friends here?" The white haired man said, "Yes, there should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the cat and the dog. When they were full, he and his pets walked back toward the white haired man who was standing by the tree.

The old man said, "What do you call this place?" The white haired man said, "This is Heaven." The old man said, "Well, this is confusing. The man down the road said that was Heaven, too. The white haired man said, ''Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.''

The old man said, "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'' The white haired man replied, "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

My Pictures: Bonds sometimes form between friends and that bond is often tested, especially in difficult times. At the end of life's trail, power and wealth cannot compare to a lasting bond between good friends.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in !

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: My thanks to my pal Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

A rabbit broke out of the tobacco testing laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. The rabbit thought, "Wow, this is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

The rabbit called out, "Hey, I'm a rabbit from the tobacco testing laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" The rabbits called back, "Yes, come and join us," The rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. The rabbit said, "What else do you wild rabbits do?" Another rabbit said, "You see that field there? It's got carrots and lettuce growing in it. We dig up carrots and eat them and nibble on the lettuce too." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots and lettuce. They were wonderful.

Later, the rabbit asked, "Is there anything else you guys do?" One of the male rabbits came a bit closer. Pointing to the far corner of the field, he said, "You see those rabbits there? They're girl rabbits and we have sex with them. Go and try it."

Well, the rabbit found a willing female and spent the rest of the morning with her until, completely exhausted, he said to the female rabbit, "That was fantastic!" The female said, "So are you going to live with us?" The rabbit said, "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I need to go back to the tobacco testing laboratory." The female said, "Why? I thought you liked it here." The rabbit said, "I do, but I'm dying for a cigarette."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet. I think you must be a rabbit" The rabbit says, "I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"

Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, slimy all over, and you have no balls" The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

That's it for now. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

Welcome 2010 - Happy New Year !

Happy New Year to all my friends and readers! I'm ready for 2010 and if I can get you-know-who's ass out of bed, I'm sure he'll be ready too. I hope he's just sleeping and not in a coma 'cause I don't have much cat food in my dish. The dry cat food is stored too high to open and I really have problems using the can opener to open the canned food.

For all my two legged pals, I hope you had fun at your New Year's Eve parties last night. To those of you who have hangovers, my advice is to take a couple of aspirins, drink a lot of water and only eat wet cat food to rehydrate. Ok, you can skip the wet cat food if you like, but when I'm hungover, that's my only food option.

It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.

New Year's Eve parties sure are noisy. I heard all kinds of noises and explosions last night and there was some tipsy Cuban woman who kept calling out for Jesus. I don't know if she was looking her boyfriend or salvation.

What's-his-name must have been in pretty fair shape when he got home last night because he fed me. He always feeds me when he gets home but if he's been drinking with that Johhnie Walker Black guy, he always hugs and squeezes the shit out of me first and then feeds me.

I'm not real sure what time he got home last night because my watch is broken. It doesn't really matter that much because with seven toes on each front paw, I can't wind the damned thing anyway. The only thing that got my dander up is that his stupid cell phone rang all night. Once he gets in bed, he goes into a coma and it takes an explosion (or sharp claws) to wake him up.

Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.

My Pictures 2010 is the Year Of The Tiger according to the Chinese Zodiac. That's a bit eery as I thought 2009 was the year of the Tiger. I guess it's just in the semantics, but, then again, the Chinese may really have their hands on the pulse. It really would have sent a chill up your spine if Tiger Woods could have hidden his harem until this year. Either way, I've added some "Tiger" pictures for your amusement and commentary.

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:

Deep in the back woods of Kentucky, a farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. The doctor said, "Wait, don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming". Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered the second child, a baby girl.

The doctor said, "Hold that lantern up and don't set it down, I think there may be another one!" The farmer scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Bubba shows up at the bar all out of breath so Billy Ray asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba says, "I've been running from the cops, but I finally lost them." Billy Ray then asked, "What the hell did you do?" Bubba replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"

Billy Ray says, "That's not against the law," Bubba says, "Thats what I thought too but those guys at Home Depot sure must have thought it was"

A salesman from New York was driving through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he goes up and knocks on the door and asks, "Anybody home?"

A kid's voice through the door answered, "Yep." The salesman asks, "Is your father there?" The kid says, "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in." The salesman asks, "Well, is your mother here?" The kid relies, "No, she left afore I got here."

The salesman says, "Aren't you ever together as a family?" The kid says, "Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"

That's it for now, kittens. Happy New Year and a prosperous 2010. More Soon!

Stray Tuned!

Groomin'.....On A Sunday Afternoon

Some animals just don't appreciate the time and effort we cats put into grooming. We don't go out in the backyard and just go to the bathroom anywhere. We don't chase cars. We don't roll on our backs in our poop. It just isn't done.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like all animals and especially dogs. To use an old Caucasian expression, some of my best friends are dogs. It's just that when it gets down to cleanliness, I'd like to think that cats are just a step above the rest of the animal world. Yes, it's true that we can be a bit picky and finicky at times, but I've observed this in many species. I think this just separates the thoroughbreds from the saddle horses, if you get my drift.

For those of you who may dismiss my feline thoughts as self-serving and narcissistic, you may want to withhold those thoughts until you have watched the following video.

I't seems the pup was ok with the grooming part but from his reaction, he'll handle the washing of the private parts, thank you!

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go way and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. He said, "OK, follow me," and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. He said, "Do you see that tree over there?" The bats, all in a flurry screamed, "yes, Yes Yes!" He said, "Good, because I didn't!"

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $5,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" The duck's former owner said, "Hmmm...., Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Finally, a big guy opens it and starts cursing the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key."

That's Possum's Journal for now. More soon.

Stray Tuned !

Possum's Back And I have An Agenda !

My apologies to all my pals for not posting lately, but there have been a few changes around here that have made it difficult for me to post. You-know-who has acquired a new toy, namely a program for performing, recording and producing his favorite songs for a new CD. At first, I thought it was a good idea because I like to hear what's his name sing, but things quickly changed.

The funny thing was watching him downloading programs and trying to install them. You know he never reads the instructions. He just starts working on the program and then it doesn't work. At that point, I alway head for my secret hiding spot 'cause he says bad words and yells at no one in particular. Sooner or later, he goes back and reads the instructions and...voila! It works! ....and he calls me Shithead! Au contraire mon ami....

Anyway, there he sits just singing his ass off and I know he's gonna make a mistake 'cause he doesn't even have the lyrics in front of him. Sure enough, he makes a mistake and starts that infantile yelling. I told him to print the lyrics, but nooooo....he's knows the words. Right !

Then, the other day, he's recording a song that I like, so I add a little meow background vocal to his song. Boy! You'd think I just peed on the carpet. He rants and raves and then he erases everything and starts over. Then he turns to me and says I ruined the song. Hey, I sang in tune...it's that he doesn't really appreciate my Kool Kat styling.

He seems to have it working well now and I'm glad. He's such a perfectionist (that's how humans describe obsessive-compulsive) that it gets pretty stormy intil he finally gets it. The good thing about him is that he gets guilty feelings after he calms down and then I get treats 'n stuff.

The other reason I haven't posted is I spotted a lady friend sitting on the neighbors back yard and I've developed an interest in her. She keeps looking at me (I am quite the looker, you know), but I don't know if she's allowed to come over. I tell you one thing though, if she meows at my front door, he'd better let her in. I don't say anything when his lady friends come over and sit in my spot on the sofa. A contrario, I even rub against them and let them pet me.

I always read your comments on Jimmy's Journal and I'm really happy that all my lady friends and pals have been asking about me. I'll be trying to post more often but remember, no matter what, you guys are the best!

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his nose. The bunny said. "Oh, please excuse me! I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

The snake said, "That's perfectly all right. To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer."

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later, no centipede. 20 minutes later, no centipede. 30 minutes later, no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it. There's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 30 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

That's Possum's Journal for now my little catnips. More soon!

Stray Tuned !

Lions And Tigers (No Bears) Oh My !

OK, so it's not a very ferocious look but we felines can be quite fierce when we need to. The bigger felines get all the notoriety 'cause they're "endangered" and the media gets all gushy and fall all over themselves whenever they see any large cat. It kinda reminds me of CNN whenever Obama's around.

Since big cats were on my mind, I thought I'd show you some pictures of some of them. Keep in mind that we smaller felines are just as cute and just as endangered. For example, yesterday I was in the kitchen eating my food and Jimmy comes bopping into the kitchen and steps on my tail. I'll bet he wouldn't step on a tiger's tail (although he has had a few tigers by the tail in the past but escaped uninjured).

These pictures were taken from National Geographic Magazine and they have many large pictures to choose from, including wallpaper which you can download. There's not too many pictures of cats that are my size and I think that's discrimination. Where the hell is "Podium" Al Sharpton when you need him?

I particularly like the picture of the female lynx and her kitten. The content but wary eyes of the mother reflect a basic instinct of all mothers. The kitten, oblivious to the world around him, seems to know that safety is as close as the scent of his mother. Of course. the other reason I like the picture of the lynx is that I can use this paragraph to give you the links to the lynx and other big cats at the National Geographic web site (I'm just so damned clever!).....................
http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/photography/index.html

Lions have always fascinated me and I like to think that I have the heart of a lion with a slightly smaller body. The lion has always been the symbol of courage (with the exception of the cowardly lion, who has since found himself) and I admire lions very much. I think everyone feels that they have an inner lion within.

All things considered, my personal opinion is that we house cats are just as important as all these bigger cats. I will admit however, that the large cats I've pictured in today's entry are magnificent animals as well. Their only problem is that they're just not as refined.

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:

A gorilla escaped from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Rottweiler.

The man asks what the zoo keeper what the items are for. The zoo keeper says, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Rottweiler will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Rottweiler."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When a woman asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. He said, "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. I place my hand on my release ring and out I go"

The woman said, "But how do you know when you are going to land?" The blind man said, "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground." The woman asked, "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" The blind man answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

That's Possum's Journal for this week. Have a great weekend and more next week.

Stray Tuned !

A Doggie Doo Lesson

I get along with dogs pretty well and I have a lot of doggie pals, but I do have a beef about some of their personal habits. As you know, we cats are very careful to make sure that we bury and cover our business immediately after the negotiations are concluded.

Dogs, on the other hand, just sniff around until they find a spot they like and boom!....there it is! It doesn't matter if it's a tree, a fire hydrant or a small child. They just lift their leg and fire away.

And, you can forget about number two! I think they look around for the most traveled area they can find, squat and leave a gift for some unsuspecting human to step in it. You might say that's just their nature and forget about it. I say, If dogs can bury and cover their bones, then they should bury and cover their business as well.

My pal, Linda in Washington, sent me the featured picture of this nice doggie, who after graduating summa cum laude from doggie obedience school, displays the proper way to clean up after himself.

I saw a documentary on white deer and they looked kinda neat so I'm sprinkling a few pictures of them throughout today's post. Do not confuse the featured picture of the white canine with the white deer.

Cats are normally graceful creatures, but occasionally they do make slight errors in judgement and when they do, it's usually comical. This is a video that I found hidden in my archives and I thought I show it to you.

The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:

A thief broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. The thief said, "Did you say that?" The parrot said, "Yep, I'm just trying to warn you."

The thief relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" The parrot replied, "Moses." The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard and a hard head," said the boy. The farmer. "Oh crap, You've shot my wife!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender replies, "The piano player".

The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try play it."

That's Possum's Journal for this week. Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms. Have a great weekend and I'll have more next week.

Stray Tuned !