Saturday, December 25, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Remember to turn off my music playlist on the left sidebar.
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this! Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and we have many other fine qualities as well. Cats are rather delicate creatures and we are subject to a good many ailments, but none of us suffer from insomnia.
That's it for now. More Soon!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The sound of a someone fumbling with keys at the the front door interrupts my dream version of the feline hokey-pokey and what do my wondering eyes appear? What's-his name has found his way home....all by himself.
I knew he was up to something when he left last night. As soon as I smelled his "going out cologne", I figured it would be a late night. I did my usual "I'm hungry" trick and stood beside my food dish because I really never know if he'll make it back. Hey, you never know! Besides, if he gets lucky, that means that I don't get fresh food until the next afternoon.
Okay, I was happy to see him and he came home hungry which means we eat anything we can find in the refrigerator that hasn't changed colors. Man, oh man, we ate ham and cheese, fried chicken that he heated up in the microwave...all kinds of goodies!
Then, after a short time on the computer, proudly announcing he found his way home, he takes his normal pilot's seat at the helm of the recliner. I, in turn, take the copilot's position and click!.....we're laid back and ready for some television. I take a brief moment to lick my paw and when I look back, what's-his-name is in la-la land. What a wuss!
So, here we are! Every light in the house is on (as the dawn lights the windows), the TV is on CNN (yuck!) and you-know-who is in a coma. Nothing else for me to do, so I climb up on his chest and catch some zzz's myself.
I wake up later that morning and, being the faithful friend that I am, I smell what's-his-name's breath to see if he is still alive. Okay, he's breathing....so far, so good, but I'm hungry! So, I lick his face a little to wake him and what does he do? He starts yelling, calling me names and tells me I've got bad breath!
I've got bad breath? Bro, I can't begin to tell you the aroma that is coming from your mouth! Besides that, you're lucky that I brought you back to life! Okay, Okay! You weren't dying but how was I to know? Anyway, things are okay now and he's back to his grumpy old self. Life is good!My Pictures Well, it's been a while since I've posted but last night's escapades had to be heard from my point of view.
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by their droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. A man was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!" A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."
That's it for now. More Soon!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
It's been a while since I've posted because what's-his-name is a computer hog, but since it's Halloween, I felt it was necessary to add a a feline touch to the occasion.
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: Farmer Johnson goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated." The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there." Farmer Johnson comes back the next day, and he looks very sick. The vet says, "What happened?" Farmer Johnson says, "The horse blew first." A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the ass."
A guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back. Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back.
Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his ass, then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?" The guys says, "What?" The bartender says, "your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his ass then eating them." The guy says, "Oh, that. Well, ever since the pool ball incident, he measures everything before he eats it."
That's it for now. Happy Halloween and more Soon!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
What's-his-name continues to post and hog the computer. I tried to buy a lap top computer for myself but Best Buy declined my credit because I'm a cat. Personally, I think they declined my credit because I'm half Jewish. Nevertheless, I'll continue to put in my two-cents worth when I have the chance.
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
Have a great fourth of July weekend and more soon!
Stray Tuned !
Sunday, May 9, 2010
What's his name's birthday was Friday and he had a great time. I have been reading some of his Facebook posts and I can't wait to hear his version of his birthday escapades. All I know is that he was dancing and singing karaoke here at the house at 6:00 the next morning. Uh...I like to party too, but once the paperboy has left the morning paper and the sun is rising, some people should go to sleep. Sheesh! I thought they would never go to sleep!
I don't know when my birthday is because someone took me from my mother and put me in a dumpster. You-know-who found me there and took me in. Thankfully, whoever dumped me chose a dumpster next to AREA 51 or I'd probably now be living at the dump. So, since I don't know my birthday, I chose what's-his-name birthday for my birthday as well. It's easier for both of us to remember. My Pictures I found a few Mother's day pictures from the animal world so I thought I'd share them with you.
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales:
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife and says "Jen, is the cat there?" His wife answered, "Yes, Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
Three feral cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing.
The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bred Siamese." The third cat said still said nothing.
Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in a tuna can at the time." A woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. One Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time."
She dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is some lettuce, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! Her husband says, "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage."
That night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. One girl said, "You're going to kill him", but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He was licking his ass in the middle of the street and a dump truck ran over him."
That's it for now. More Soon!
Monday, April 26, 2010
That’s pretty much what TV's Timmy used to say to Lassie and, like the star collie, Buddy took the advice to heart and took off running. Buddy dashed off and down the road, looking for someone to help.
Meanwhile, neighbors has seen the fireball erupting on the Heinrichs' property and called the state police. Trooper Terrence Shanigan was dispatched to check it out, but his GPS froze up on him, and he was semi-lost in the twisting rural roads and about to take a turn in the wrong direction when he saw a dog in the road. The dog was our hero, Buddy.
When Buddy saw the trooper’s car, he turned and started running back home.Shanigan’s dashcam caught it all. A German shepherd takes off running down partially snow-covered roads, but keeps looking over his shoulder to make sure the car is keeping up.
Buddy sprints along for about a minute in a black-and-white landscape, the only things visible being what is illuminated by the police car’s lights. Finally, the dog takes one last turn. As Shanigan turns with the dog, his windshield lights up with a bright yellow ball of fire that used to be the Heinrichs’ work shed.
Here's the first of two videos about Buddy the German Shepherd. Remember to turn off the music from my playlist located on the left sidebar. Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
My Pictures: Buddy is a hero and it's important to point out that he would say that humans are very dedicated friends and deserve the best care possible. Take the time to spend time with your humans and show them that you care for them. Personally, if I had been in Buddy's paws, I'm not real sure that I would have dashed out into the freezing snow hoping that a car might pass by to help save his human. I would have grabbed the nearest phone and texted my pals down at the animal shelter with directions on how to find the place. What? You don't think I could? Who do you think is typing this entry today? Certainly not "what's-his-name." He never gets up this early.
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: A lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
The little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, "That must've been scary!" The little gorl replied, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff...Fffff...Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The irate man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try to play it."
That's it for now. More Soon!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
He says it's because he wanted my name to be different but I think he just doesn't know how to spell.
What's-his-name is finally learning how to work his digital camera and he chose my favorite subject.....me! He named me Possum because he said that my face reminded him of a possum.
As you may have ascertained, I didn't bother posing for him. I did try for a little while but he kept saying to sit still or look this way, but I got bored and took a nap.
The funny thing about these pictures is that he didn't even give me time to lick my coat and he never asked which side was best.
Anyway, I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter and take advantage of some free time on the computer. You-know-who is already grumbling.....Have a wonderful Easter Sunday and I'll try to post more soon.
Stay Tuned !
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Whats-His-Name is in a peaceful coma in his recliner right now, so I thought I'd bring the following story to light,
A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United Airlines. United damaged his treasured Taylor guitar ($3500) during a flight. Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damages caused by baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar. During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video for YouTube exposing their lack of cooperation. The Manager responded: "Good luck with that one, pal."
So he posted a retaliatory video on YouTube. The video has since received over 5.5 million hits. United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange for pulling the video. Naturally, his response was: "Good luck with that one, pal."
Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation for the product recognition from the video that has lead to a sharp increase in orders.
Note: Please mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.
In other news, Here's a story that my pal Vivian sent me and being a hopeless romantic, I thought I'd share this heartwarming love story with you. If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one..... An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
This is incredible! Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last week and then, all of a sudden, he finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck!
Stories like this just friggin' make me want to cry. Ain't love beautiful?
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer!
My Pictures Wild and crazy are the only words come to mind, but that's just me. I get so giddy when You-Know-Who takes a nap and I can get on the computer that my photos are really an expression of my state of mind.
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: A big shoutout to my pals Victor and Vivian for their contributions to today's stories.
A guy has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained. The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?" The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."
He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle. The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. The guy says, "Wow, what kind of dog is that?" The trainer replies, "That's a dog I trained for a nurse."
He blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room, takes the bones and makes a dog house. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" The trainer says, "That's a dog I trained for an architect."
Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. The dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away. The guy says, "What kind of dog is that?" The attorney said, "He's still in training. That's a lawyer's dog!"
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast !Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, little Rose Sisti gave her example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher said, "Very good, Rose."
Next, little Linda Shook said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.." The teacher said again, "Very good, Linda."
Next it was little Johnny Garnett's turn to tell his story. Little Johnny said, "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Julie. She was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."The teacher, intrigued, said, "Go on, Johnny..."
Little Johhny said, "Aunt Julie drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
The horrified teacher said, "Good heavens, what did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" Little Johnny said, "Stay the hell away from Aunt Julie when she's been drinking....."
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. This is true, and they have many other fine qualities as well...
That's Possum's Journal for now. More Soon!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
After a while, they came to a white stone wall along one side of the road. At the top of a long hill, a tall arch glowed in the sunlight. While standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the street that led to the gate was pure gold.
He and his pets walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a gatekeeper at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he said out, "Excuse me, where are we?" The gatekeeper answered, "This is Heaven, sir." The old man said, "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The gatekeeper said, "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The gatekeeper gestured and the gate began to open.
Gesturing toward his pets, the old man asked, "Can my friends come in, too?" The gatekeeper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his cat and dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a white haired man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
The old man said, "Excuse me! Do you have any water?'' The white haired man said, "Sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." The old man said, "How about my friends here?" The white haired man said, "Yes, there should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the cat and the dog. When they were full, he and his pets walked back toward the white haired man who was standing by the tree.
The old man said, "What do you call this place?" The white haired man said, "This is Heaven." The old man said, "Well, this is confusing. The man down the road said that was Heaven, too. The white haired man said, ''Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.''
The old man said, "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'' The white haired man replied, "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
My Pictures: Bonds sometimes form between friends and that bond is often tested, especially in difficult times. At the end of life's trail, power and wealth cannot compare to a lasting bond between good friends.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in !
The Cat's Meow And Puppy Dog Tales: My thanks to my pal Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.
A rabbit broke out of the tobacco testing laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. The rabbit thought, "Wow, this is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
The rabbit called out, "Hey, I'm a rabbit from the tobacco testing laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" The rabbits called back, "Yes, come and join us," The rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. The rabbit said, "What else do you wild rabbits do?" Another rabbit said, "You see that field there? It's got carrots and lettuce growing in it. We dig up carrots and eat them and nibble on the lettuce too." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots and lettuce. They were wonderful.
Later, the rabbit asked, "Is there anything else you guys do?" One of the male rabbits came a bit closer. Pointing to the far corner of the field, he said, "You see those rabbits there? They're girl rabbits and we have sex with them. Go and try it."
Well, the rabbit found a willing female and spent the rest of the morning with her until, completely exhausted, he said to the female rabbit, "That was fantastic!" The female said, "So are you going to live with us?" The rabbit said, "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I need to go back to the tobacco testing laboratory." The female said, "Why? I thought you liked it here." The rabbit said, "I do, but I'm dying for a cigarette."
Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, slimy all over, and you have no balls" The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
That's it for now. More Soon!