Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy New Year From Possum S. Hemmingway

There has currently been a stir throughout America about a You Tube video entitled "Barack the Magic Negro", a political satire ostensibly using the imitated voice of Al "Podium Al" Sharpton and sung to the tune of Peter, Paul and Mary's "Puff the Magic Dragon." The debate is if this, in fact, is political satire, racism or just insensitive in nature.

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count or blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible. But, enough about O.J. Simpson.

I, too, have spent a lot of sleepless nights (and days, I'm a cat, you know) worrying about Barack Obama and "Podium Al" Sharpton's sensitivity. I have recently been the target of racism myself. I received the following words via email entitled "How To Wash A Cat" and I am not a happy camper.....

1. Put both lids of the toilet up add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8.. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

This is obvious racism to the "nth" degree and should not be tolerated. Many of my canine colleagues have concurred with my assessment of this and have vowed to stand behind me.

Best wishes for a safe and Happy New Year and......

Stray Tuned !

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Christmas Wish From My Canine Pals

After speaking to several of my puppy pals, I have made a list of their, you'll excuse the expression, pet peeves. Personally, I don't have any of their particular problems, but then again, I'm a cat. So, I owe one to my canine pals and here's their list.

1. Why do you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping?

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. By the way, your friend knows it's you.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?).

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous because I can and you can't.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? That also goes for all the stupid outfits you buy me when you could be buying me doggie treats.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home. Another waste of time and money.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

Well, that's my Christmas present to the Canine world and I'll be looking under the Christmas tree for a couple of kilos of catnip.

My Christmas wish for all of my readers is peace and tranquility. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.


Stray Tuned !

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Just Say No !

As a public service to my loyal readers, I would like to address an important subject that has ofttimes been overlooked by the public. The issue is catnip, yes, catnip! You see it in the pet shops and stores, packaged neatly and disguised in so many seemingly harmless ways. Yet this drug (and it is a drug) affects the lives of many felines all over America. Many underaged cats and kittens often acquire catnip without ever being checked for identification. This leads to behavior that is not becoming of any animal, especially a cat.

Humans use this trickery to amuse themselves while the disgustingly drunken cat does things that even the lowly canine would not do. Sure, they say it is a harmless recreational drug much akin to the marijuana that many two legged species occasionally partake, but it leads to brash acts of stupidity and carelessness. In the case of the feline pictured here, after ingesting catnip, he becomes positive that he works at toll booth on the freeway.

Take the case of a female feline friend who indulged in catnip. She went outside for a walk and spotted a half-empty can of tuna. Obviously suffering from the munchies, she buried her head in the tuna can, was attacked from behind and now has a litter of kittens to remind her of the use of catnip. To add insult to injury and judging from the stripes on the kitten's backs, the offender was probably a democrat.

In another incident of catnip abuse, a cat was spotted with a known outlaw biker. Both were observed flagrantly flaunting their disdain for ordinary law-abiding citizens in a drunken display of reckless behavior (although they did wear safety helmets).

It is incidents like these that truly expose the danger of catnip abuse and can affect the normally elegant behavior of the feline. I urge you to think carefully before you encourage your cat to "turn on". I will therefore volunteer to accept any catnip contraband that you may encounter and will dispose of these drugs properly.

Well it's December and time for me to watch Jimmy start searching all over the house for body parts that he misplaced while partying. He already started with the long Thanksgiving weekend but he started running out of gas sometime Friday and wimped out of the usual weekend parties. As long as he brings home a kitty bag, I'll be happy. I call it a kitty bag 'cause I wouldn't eat out of a doggie bag and I definitely don't gnaw stupid, meatless bones.

I'll be trying to keep you up to date with Jimmy's adventures in AREA 51 especially the parts he doesn't tell you. I think that there will be some funny stuff to report if last year's holiday season is any indication, but that's just me.

Stray Tuned !